I follow a woman's blog who has five little ones very close in age, and I can always relate to the crazy happenings going on in her home. This was her most recent post, which made me laugh so hard. I had to share it. I could relate so well! Can you?
Disclaimer to the boys who read my blog: This post talks about periods and breastfeeding. Sorry!
I did it. Without even directly trying to, I finally did it. I figured out a way to control the universe.
This skill I didn’t realize I had is going to come in really, really handy. I can already tell. I’ve learned over the past few years as a wife and mother that I can make anything happen, just by behaving a certain way. Don’t believe me? Well, tough cookies. It’s true. I bet you wishyou could control the universe. Actually, once you read on, I am guessing I’ll hear from some of you who also can.
It all started many months ago, before being pregnant with Lachlan, when I was waiting for my period to come. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting! I was tempted to take a pregnancy test to see what was up, but I didn’t think I was pregnant. But where was my period? So I kept waiting. And waiting. Those darn pregnancy tests can be expensive, and I think I only had one on hand. I didn’t want to waste it on just getting a negative. But finally I could wait no longer. I took the test. It was negative. I started my period 0.68 seconds later.
I should have just waited. A little longer. I didn’t realize at that point that the arrival of my period meant that I could control the universe. It took me a little longer before I figured that out.
It happened again another month. I waited again. Finally took one. Negative. Period arrived. Same story. And that’s when it became clear to me. I could control the universe! Did I want my period to come? All I had to do was waste an expensive pregnancy test by urinating on it and it would come without delay.
And that’s hardly the only example I have.
Want my toddler to wake up early from his nap? Just try to catch some z’s myself. It’s guaranteed. If I lie down to rest while Stellan sleeps, the minute I doze off, he will awaken. Like clockwork. Every time. And it works in reverse, too. If I think I had better not fall asleep since Stellan is due to wake up soon, so I trudge around in a sleepy stupor, he’ll take the longing stinking nap of his entire life. Guaranteed. Likewise, if I want Lachlan to awaken from a sound sleep, screaming with hunger, all I need to do is pump. The moment I finish and my breasts are empty, he’ll awaken. Vice versa, too. If I want him to keep snoozing away without a care in the world, all I need to do is not pump. Let my breasts uncomfortably swell to the size of the pumpkins in our garden, and he’ll keep sleeping. Guaranteed.
Want my cell phone to miraculously start working after 12 days of being on the fritz? Just drive all five kids to the cell phone store. Presto. Just like that. Nothing is wrong with it at all. Want my kids to get over a troublesome illness? Simply take them to the pediatrician! It happens every time. Some rash, cough, fever, odd behavior lingers for days in one of our children. And then as soon as we cross the threshold of the clinic, they are the picture of health. “Well, they didhave this rash/cough/fever/odd behavior. But now I guess it’s gone. So, nevermind I guess.” And back home we go.
I can even control our plumbing. A clogged toilet with heal itself on the spot the minute the plumber walks in the door. “Well, Ma’am, I tried flushing it and everything seems fine to me. That’ll be $100.” Want your overdue baby to arrive? Just schedule an induction. He’ll be born the night before. Want to find that stinking pencil sharpener? Just buy a new one. You’ll find the old one the moment you walk in the door from Target.
Want to run out of gas? Just forget to take your cell phone with you one time. Guaranteed that’s when it will happen. The one time I forget my insurance card in the car is also bound to be when I’ll get pulled over for having a taillight out, too. Want a guest to drop by unannounced? Just fail to clean your house, don’t take a shower and neglect putting on a bra. They’ll come ding donging for sure. Want to get pregnant? Just buy condoms in bulk, since you’re not planning on getting pregnant again.
Even though these things may seem inconvenient at first glance, I have been glad to see them for what they are. Proof that I can control the universe.
It’s wonderful, really. And I’m glad I finally figured it out.
